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Ahhh the Oscar’s, a time that signals awards season is ending, a time for recognition of the best in their craft, and most importantly a time that provides a safe space for comedians to not get slapped square in the mouth. I wasn’t able to watch last year’s Ceremony but I don’t think anything memorable happened that took the entire country 6 months to shut up about. This is one of the first years I’m actually excited for the Oscars and not because I get to see shitty Jimmy Kimmel jokes about the slap or about how he was “confused” about which Pinnochio was actually nominated, but because for the first time in my life I have seen a majority of the Oscar Noms. Honestly I am cool with the nominations except for two things: ‘Babylon’ should have been nominated for Best Picture and Damien Chazelle should have been nominated for best director. The ‘Babylon’ slander by critics hurt me to my core and I legitimately believe that ten years from now people will look back and be baffled why ‘Babylon’ wasn’t nominated. That’s really my only personal problem with nominations but aside from that let’s get into it: Best Actor: Austin Butler for ‘Elvis’ (+130): I’ll admit it… I didn’t see ‘The Whale’. I didn’t witness Brenden Fraser’s comeback performance in it’s full glory, BUT I do think that this whole awards circuit has been a bit of a “atta boy” run for Fraser. This is not to diminish anything about his performance, like I said I haven’t seen it. However, I saw ‘Elvis’ in theatres and while I didn’t even really like the movie, Butler put on one hell of a show. (Side note: Tom Hanks, I was delighted to see you win the Razzie for one of the shittiest performances I have ever seen on film. I actually came close to paying Razzie dues just so I could vote for you as the worst supporting actor for 2022. Thank God there is some semblance of justice in the world so you could receive your honor) Austin Butler was fantastic in the role of Elvis and he deserves a Best Actor win. I mean come on, over a year after filming the man still talks like Elvis.: Best Actress: Cate Blanchett for ‘Tár’ (+145) Quentin Tarantino can you please announce who the Oscar for Best Actress goes to: Cate Blancett’s seriously intense performance as Lydia Tár was incredible. While many can call ‘Tár’ “Oscar bait” and I also didn’t understand what the hell was being talked about half the time, there is no denying Cate Blancett’s performance. This is the type of shit that wins Best Actress awards. There is no denying Michelle Yeoh but we will get to that later in the EEAAO parlay. For the best value Cate Blanchett is the pick.
Best Director: Steven Spielberg for ‘The Fablemans (+850) Look obviously Spielberg most likely isn’t going to win. However, there is nothing Hollywood likes more then Hollywood. And when you put one of the greatest directors ever making an autobiographical flick about how he became a director on top of that, there is ZERO reason you shouldn’t sprinkle a little bit of money on Spielberg. Don’t EVER doubt Hollywood sucking its own dick, therefore my pick (for its value)! Best Original Screenplay: ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ (+145) My first reaction after watching “Banshees” was “wow that was a swell film”. I’m going to be truthful in saying I didn’t quite understand the significance of the Irish Civil War backdrop whilst watching, but I understood after watching an “ending explained” video. “Banshees” seems to me like the definition of Best Original Screenplay with the way not much happened and yet it was compelling as hell. I don’t have much else to say for this pick… Best Picture: ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once’ (-1200) DUH-DOI Obviously this is the heavy favorite for a reason. EEAAO was by far the best film I saw in the year of our Lord 2022. It had a way better and more interesting take on the multiverse than Marvel has had in about, oh I don’t know.. 6 different movies. Not just that but EEAAO was legitimately heartfelt and just an epic film. I can’t even put into words how incredible this film is. So, attentive readers may wonder: “Why haven’t you picked them for any of the previous awards?” And the reason dear reader is this: THE EEAAO PARLAY THE EEAAO PARLAY:
This all comes out to about +150 odds and I put it as my best bet of the night. One final pick from me is ‘Babylon’ for Best Original Score (-150) These are my picks for the nights of glitz and glamour, and in Hollywood’s name let us hit! - Jake
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